WYRD 101

Resolving The Gridlock Problem In Washington

–Guest Post by 3.14th District  Rep. Jerry “Jer” Bumfiddle (I-Pungo)

As the duly elected representative to the 3.14th Congressional District of Virginia, occasionally I feel obligated to tell my constituents about a breakthrough piece of legislation that’s making it’s way through Congress.  As you may be aware, these days it’s hard to get anything through Congress, since both sides are just intent on hurling nothing but talking points and venom at each other.  I dare say on one particular occasion, they were catapulting what I thought were dead cats at each other, but I could be wrong.

I’m glad to report that one stellar piece of legislation has made it through the hallowed halls of Capitol Hill today, and it awaits President Obama’s signature as we speak.  This bipartisan bill is historic in that it guarantees that it will be the last bipartisan bill to make it’s way through the legislative process.  Which is to say, when the president signs this bill into law, we will be required never to cooperate with each other ever again.

Ever.  Liberating, isn’t it?

As a matter of fact, the only person to vote against the bill in the Senate was Olympia Snowe.  I think she just does it now to piss off the rest of us.  Just the other day she came in and asked McConnell what was going to be served at the Caucus Lunch the other day, and OF COURSE she walked in with Chipotle Grill, and smiled sweetly as she unbagged it and dove right in.

I’m telling you, whatever the hell killed her whole damn family should have been just a teeny bit more contagious.  Just a teeny bit.  It should have been a slow, airborne, wasting disease.  Oh, God, I hate that woman.   What the hell is it with people that can’t say “Hey, my staffer’s making a run, want anything?”

What a hag.

Anyway, the good news is that I’m never going to have to agree with Dennis Kucinich ever again.  Hell, I’m never even going to have to LISTEN to him rail on and on about what George Friggin’ Noory said on Coast To Coast Am anymore.   I can just glass over, nod like I’m actually listening, and imagine that I’m actually speaking to his incredibly hot wife about…well, who cares, really?  WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT, so long as it isn’t in his nasal, migraine inducing voice.

There’s going to be a lot of time for this kind of time-wasting, now that we’ve practically agreed that no legislation will even make it out of committee from now on.  When’s my tee time?  It’s not like I have to make it to the floor for a vote until….EVER.

You’re Welcome.