Just moments ago, I was brought in from my garden where I was having an immense amount of joy dropping beetles in a Folgers can filled with gasoline by the unmistakable sound of a FOX NEWS ALERT. It’s important that I hear FOX NEWS ALERTS as soon as possible, so I leave the TV on at ear deafening volume so I can hear it in the backyard. It’s been really nice lately, since the panty-waist liberal next door moved to some panty-waist northwest town where he can hug trees and circle jerk his new panty-waist friends. I wish him well in his new hideously liberal endeavors.
Anyway, back to the INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT FOX NEWS ALERT. A federal judge on Wednesday granted a partial injunction requested by the federal government on the controversial Arizona immigration law, SB 1070. What parts got struck down, you might ask? The parts that make this law FUN! Cops can’t determine the immigration status of anyone detained or arrested, We can’t make immigrants carry their papers at all times, and she struck down the part where it’s illegal for an immigrant to find work.
Personally, I’m having a bit of ambivalence about that last one, because if I could hire some illegal to kill these beetles, I could monitor Fox News all day for INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT NEWS, and then make doubly sure that my neighbors heard about it, through the PA system in my Man Cave. However, the first two points really have me cheesed off to the point where I have to ask a simple question of you tree-hugging socialists: Exactly where do we conservatives get to be assholes?
Look, it’s really simple. You have the White House. You have Congress. You’re managing to paint the Tea Partiers as racist. You’re succeeding in discrediting AMERICAN HERO ANDREW BREITBART. There’s practically NOWHERE left for a right thinking Patriot of this great nation to take his frustrations out on the unwashed, and when I say unwashed I mean those poor bastards who look different from me, and probably believe in a different Baby Jesus than I do. I’m pretty sure. I can’t actually be bothered to study the Mexican culture. I mean, they make great food, and they clean a mean pool, but beyond that I really can’t give a flying crap.
We conservatives have a GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO BE ASSHOLES, Mr. Obama, and YOU’RE TAKING THAT RIGHT AWAY FROM US? So, what’s left? Birtherism? Oh, sure. That’s not looking like an asshole, that’s looking like a dumbass. There is a small, but discerible difference. Talking about “2nd Amendment remedies” No, no, no! That’s looking like a dumbass AND you’re risking a visit from men in black suits talking into their wrists. I don’t need re-education, I need a outlet to be the right wing crackpot that GOD wants me to be! I can’t be the only right thinking red blooded Real American who thinks this way! So you tell me, Mr. Obama: You’ve got to let us have SOMETHING. Throw us a bone. Can I still tell homeless people to get a freakin’ job as I kick them in the ribs, or am I scheduled for RE-EDUCATION for that, too?
For what it’s worth, my pool is pretty gross right now. So, you know, if you want an extra fifty, really tan, and don’t mind a couple of racial epithets, call me.
*Maj. Gen. Braxton Hicks (Ret.) is the President of the Pungo Chapter of Conservatives Under New Thinking, and occasionally has moments of lucidity. This may or may not be one of them.
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